My phone has seen less use in the last three days than Tom Brady's condoms.
Dude I just masturbated laying underneath my Christmas tree. Apparently all I want for Christmas is to get laid.
the first sign of life we got from you was four hours later. you smiled without opening your eyes when tom whispered in your ear we were getting buffalo wings.
DOWN HORMONES. BACK.
In case you wake up wondering why your eyes hurt... You were claiming to be Zeus and that mortal weapons couldn't harm you. Some chick took it as a challenge and pepper sprayed you. Sorry dude.
those kids just got delivered to the party by the pizza guy
I'm still pretty drunk right now, but when this hangover hits me, I'm going to be super pissed. It's a preemptive never drinking again.
I have decided that today will be all about indulgence and hedonism.
He is a sweet angel sent from dick heaven!
I fell asleep while eating jimmy johns last night and then woke up at 5am and continued to eat it
She's walking down the sidewalk with a notebook, a pencil, and a box of cheez its while yelling profanities at small animals.... I'm going 2 ask her where she was before this.
please god let this picture I just uploaded not have my vagina in it
How did I end up with the cock ring?!
mid-sex she goes "oh my god. you aren't even going to remember my name in the morning, are you?". And i was so wasted that i straight up told her "honestly, I don't even remember your name right now"
THERE IS JIZZ ON MY CEILING. HOW THE FUCK IS THERE JIZZ ON MY CEILING
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