You guys sftrill at mcdondalds?!!!!
Yes.
fuckin bring me a cheseburgeria
I just found out the FDA voted to ban Vicodin, my last connection to this world has been destroyed
Bad news is im a slut again. Good news is its with people ive been a slut with before.
He asked me how my body knew that a month was up when it was time for my period.
So, apparently, "i expected your penis to be bigger" isn't good pillow talk.
Just walked past a girl wearing nothing but flip flops and an oversized sweatshirt crying by the front gates eating pizza. i just found your soulmate.
I know everyone screamed lady cop instead of cops. I wanted to apologize to her for our chauvinism
..But I'm still alive. And thats the main thing
Noooo. I told you she WAS a cancer. Not that she HAS cancer. This was the one time being a doctor didnt get you laid you alcoholic bastard
I'm sorry but I have WAY too many sex/ hookup related bruises on visible areas to be going home tmrw
He really thought ahead and just left the tequila in the mail box for late night pickup. Best. Friend. Ever.
She showed me her tits and my first thought was "I want these to feed my future children." I'm scared.
His last Google search was "will sperm ruin the retina display on Apple products?"
Just found out I made out with the 40 year old Captain of the boat at the barge party. On the bright side he let me drive the boat so at least there's that.
Hey, sorry I choked you last night... I was just really excited to see you.
Randomize
