why did i wake up with a kid named Raphael in my bed this morning?
I dont know but you did call last night to tell me you found the last ninja turtle
yo dibs on the gosselin haired one.
They sat at the bar while we waited for a table. When the hostess came to seat us, they were shitfaced, and swordfighting wth chop sticks.
I knew things were bad when I walked in on you feeding juice to your iPhone
Theres either a bag of coke in my pocket or a bag of anthrax, either way last night got way to serious
Annnnd I didn't even notice there is a guy dancing in a jock strap beside me. That explains girls smiling at me
You know what's fun. When your getting a new mattress and you forget you put your vibrator under your old mattress and the moving guy finds it
Took three klonopin and turned all my jeans into jorts. I miss you
I think I just legit sprained my wrist from holding myself up while giving a blow J. God dammit come already
You're 21st was epic. I woke up at 6 a.m. on the floating beer pong table in the pool with a beer still in hand. Didn't even spill any
I need someone to play with my boobs. Even platonically. I just need a good groping
Looks like I accidentally stole two of your beers and left my pants at your place.
How did you leave without pants?
Probably going to live on vodka sodas and fireball shots
I mean, I let him sleep with me after we both ate taco bell sober... That's kinda like love, right?
one of my students asked me today if i was having a baby. fuckin 4 year olds and their lack of filter. time to get back to the gym i guess
Randomize
