Theres a random in my bed. Omg but at least he's a law student?
Dude, I just cut my asshole on the new toilet paper. If you rationed the grocery money to buy drugs, I better be getting some.
someone just puked in the library. they put up caution tape. i totally underestimated finals week.
the crazy preacher outside Willard just began a monologue that began with "when i look at a vagina." We should stop by there more often
i had to write a bad check to buy franzia last weekend. i have my priorities in line.
I'm drugging my best friend. I'm like a whole new level of bitch.
could hear acupuncture therapist getting blown in the next room over the whale music
Got my bloodwork back and my liver is in tip top shape. Apparently blacking out 5 nights a week isn't cutting it, so we've got to step it up until I see that all of my hard work is actually paying off and doing some damage.
I woke up with no pants, someone elses shirt, but my new years crown still on. That is dedication.
I peed in a 7/11 last night. Like literally pretended I pretended I was shopping, looked around, and peed on boxes in the corner. No more tequila
i just wrote an ode to an enchilada dorito. i'll need that pregnancy test now please.
I screamed "I want dick!" in the middle of the intersection. So many hot guys. I wish you were here.
When i like your selfie it means one of two things. 1. thats a nice photo, friend. OR 2. I wanna bend you over a table. But youll never know.
I've orgasmed so many times tonight I think I've become enlightened
Your boyfriend being in jail is really helping my social life! #GotASingleDrinkingBuddyAgain
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