shit is crazy. i just keep thinking that this kid growing inside Emily used to live in my balls.
Dude, Her having kids just means she puts out.
when i got to my bed there was a handwritten note that said "wash the sheets." sleeping on the couch.
I wish they had a smiley of two girls making out
you know it's bad when you need sunglasses to open the refrigerator
I am now best friends with a lesbian named Zulu. I am pretty hammered already and made a game time decision to stay here another night,for partying purposes
Throwing up out both ends. This is not how I pictured adulthood.
You don't want any of I have. Seriously. Its 80 proof rum that was 8 bucks for a liter. I'm afraid
I'm sure your liver is writing out a will as we speak
Girl at work pointed out that the blood vessels around my eyes were all popped and I smell like puke
Thankfully US customs doesnt have a checkbox for bringing semen into the country because my hair would still be in CDC quarantine
He just took a bite of each taco bell burrito and hid them throughout my apartment. this was 2 weeks ago and have found 30 burritos so far
I feel like our relationship should have moved on from you constantly asking if I'm gay
Besides, I don't need any more men there who have seen my tits. #bearwatch2014
You are in a fancy European city. The best way to truly experience the city is through Tinder
So when did "Are you okay?" translate into "Don't tell me you got fucked by another rando after another rager"?
Randomize
