4:33 am: Sleep on left side of my bed. T-shirts are second drawer on left side, boxers top right. I don't wake up when lights are on so feel free in my room..
I swear I have "I love assholes" written on my forehead with ink that only guys can see.
Vodka + horseback riding = vomit in the saddle bags
I'm at McDonalds and when I walked up to the register the guy said "I'm so sorry." Before I said a word. That's how bad my hangover is.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
She sucked my dick when I had a concussion. It was the coolest feeling ever but the doctor said it was a bad idea. He's obviously gay.
This is so stupid. Now I have to call the party planner and tell her that the break up party is off. They decided to get back together.
Have you ever seen a porn where they were playing bluegrass in the background?
Just to give you a heads up, I am going home with your ex-boyfriend.... You can't be mad because he was my ex-boyfriend first
When are you not under some influence?
Since last Tuesday...yesterday.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
With 4 extra seconds dedicated to the dong.
These kind of text worry me.
I threw up in bed last night and tried cleaning it with oldspice and baby powder
Not only do I have a well-defined bite mark on my arm, but I also have a perfectly clear bruise of a handprint wrapped around my arm like a tribal tattoo. Thoughts on how that happened?
Hope everything goes ok. If it makes you feel better, I straightened vomit into my hair and killed a bird earlier.
All I remember is being lured out to sit by the fire by you holding a piece of pizza in front of me
For a second fuck I think last night went extremely well... our sexual relationship is progressing at a pace that im quite satisfied with.
Randomize