I cant find my shoes, my wallet, or my keys, but i know where your sister is.
i am breaking up with you. because you wash your hair too much and you only drink light beer and because you're not party enough.
Did I crawl through the hotel lobby all the way to our room?
What a great world we live in when USPS can tell you that your drugs have been delivered.
Just remember, Dont make worse choices than american flag pants to your own birthday party
Bar selfie Saturday turned into bar nudie Saturday in a hurry. I need to delete my snapchat...
mom had to come pick me up from the hotel. I crawled to her car. She told me the entire way home if I puked in it I was going to lick it up. Like high school all over again...
i feel like when you brought up the possibility of you getting pregnant the sexting is over
Before I go in, is 'I just got a root canal 2 hours ago' a good excuse to show up drunk to yoga class with a 6 pack? Because if not I think I need to go home.
It's my birthday weekend! I'm getting a Brazilian and he's going to fucking Arkansas. Where the fuck are his priorities?
I know you just got bad medical news... But want some moonshine?
The bouncer said the club was at capacity we couldnt get in till ppl left all three of them pulled their tits out we got complimentary bottle service never under estimate women
I don't care. It's wine Wednesday get your gameface on.
Dad is wasting no time getting back out there. Just walked in on him and a Twin Peaks waitress in the hot tub
tell me about the fingering
Randomize
