Dude, she literally just asked me if her mac'n'cheese makes me horny. I think I found the one.
woke up with the bag of wine duct taped to my shoulder.
That's the last time you call me to prove to some girl at a bar that you're English. It's bad enough that you actually get to fuck them because of it without having to wake me up to seal the deal.
Oh my god. My pre-date bowl for nerves tuned into "I'm too high for this date" he kept talking about trucks and I couldn't stop making racial slurs.
Is it rude if I ask the current tenets of our future apartment if I can come and blackout for a night? I want stupendously drunk me to get a feel for the place so he's comfortable when we move in.
her spring break bucket list included "break into The Swamp, blow him where Tebow has Tebowed"
I sent him an 18 page sext. He's going to have a good morning.
Im rolling face in a pizzeria. I want to be with people who love me.
drinking right out of the bottle and nobody bats an eye.
its good to be home.
Pencil dick carries the name proudly.
It has gotten to a point where I just want to sit on his face. Less butterflies, more orgasms.
I am so not sober enough to have a 5 minute conversation in Spanish
chicken nuggets make me a bit homicidal
I woke up next to him with nothing on and my thong around his neck. I just put my clothes on and left, but he still has my thong.
The gyno waiting room is so strange because the pregnant woman next to me is making a PowerPoint of her pregnant photo shoot with her husband and I’m sitting here trying to figure out from Instagram who I had sex with on Sunday lol
Randomize
