Jesus knows you're telling a lie.
Jesus stopped reading my text messages when I started drunk texting boys to hookup
after he handcuffed me and put me in the back seat, "Mrs. Officer" started playing, I thought maybe this could be my escape
He told me his penis would be a "Sad Panda" if I didn't give it a ride through the jungle.
I don't have nearly enough visine for the dryness from sticking my head out the window on the freeway for 20 minutes. Child lock me next time.
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When I sent you a text telling you to splash water on your face, you texted me back with 'Iwehre N qyull.'
The gym has a pool
my gym membership just went from "way to get in shape" to "place to go swim when I'm high"
The last thing I remember is trying to split my bridesmaid dress down the back like the incredible hulk.
and you succeeded.
tell me there's a reason my bed smells like paint thinner
I'm sorry. I just realized our 'big night out' ended up being you driving my high ass to get burritos and back.
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I can't blame him for thinking that then, placing a cone shaped potato chip on the tip of his penis post bj is not a normal act of love
I think I just smoked a piece of your foot. Were u picking your feet by the weed?
I still can't get over the fact that he thinks I have my life together... That has to be one of the nicest yet most sadly misled things anyone has ever said about me
You get 5 min
Your time limits don't scare me, I'll include foreplay and redressing in that 5 min. If you wanted to challenge me you should say you got an hour, id be scared then and more creative.
Another beautiful Sunday, another beautiful day the stick is not positive. Amen.
Of all the things I've masturbated to while high, my favorites are ritz chips and trees
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