All I've ever wanted to do in life is right
Maybe you should learn how to spell write first
i celebrated the independence of our country by dry heaving tequila all morning. so classy. happy 4th.
note to self... there IS such a thing as having too many birthday shots...
I miss your penis. And I totally say this as a friend. I just miss it because it's great. You should be very proud of it.
the plan is to continue having sex with all three of them until my birthday, and then once they've given me their presents, they can find out about each other.
hr gave me pretxwk salad and a doubke shot of grey goose. i approve! tou guys are a beautidil couple.
If you spent as much time trying to get laid as you do masturbating you would surpass all of us.
Just Everbombed a Guiness to make up for cutting out early last night. Also the Mars probe. Happy birthday motherfucker!
I took her to the bar and boom. All of my past slump busters were there. Shes cool enough to know what that means and said she was afraid they'd eat her so we left.
Oh yea... In other news I've decided to get an external hard drive and start getting music from all the guys I'm fucking... Do you think a terabyte would be enough storage space?
I think it says something about my sobriety when I don't notice a Taco Bell wrapper stuck to my ass until I'm in the shower...
Dude, you flipped off a cat from my balcony and yelled at it to get a house
Thank you for deleting me from Instagram. Also, I'm carrying your child. Happy new year!
I know he's gay. But if he touches my vagina I'm human centipeding his face. Sorry not sorry
I was intimate with him for twenty minutes and will be intimate with shame for twenty years.
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