Just tipped at a bar in cheerios. Suck it.
You told me to hold on because you had to barf like a dinosaur.
why are there beer bottles in my dishwasher?
These old people don't even realize they're giving me weed money for shoveling snow.
We can talk tomorrow when we're both alert. My mind is somewhere else right now.
Where's it at?
In your pants.
It's just a condom. Most people would commend me for saying I was going to start using them, and you're acting like I'm going to try heroin.
Forgot to mention there might be a picture of me being thrown in the air while at a Mexican restaurant
I've started bribing my dorm's security guard with cookies so that he doesn't tell all the boys i'm hooking up with about each other.
Now he's trying to use the tornado warnings as an excuse to get head. Yeah, b/c THAT'S the last taste I want in my mouth b4 I die...
I was freaked out. No man over 50 is allowed to touch me. Ever. Unless you're Michael Bolton. Then please do.
When you consider the sheer number of events that had to occur in order to prevent me from fucking her, there must be a god
Unless you consider jello shots food the answer is no there is no dinner here. When u get food get more wine too tired of you coming over drinking all my booze and destroying my vagina
They're magnificent. It's like god made her last but hadn't fulfilled his boob quota.
Dude. I've been high for so many hours now that I'm just accepting this as my new reality.
I THINK HE DOES. OMG!!!!! OMG I FUCKED A GUY W A FAKE LEG AND I DIDN'T EVEN KNOW!!!!!!????!!!!!!!!!
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