i'm signing you up for texting rehab
i just walked in on my sister drunkenly sobbing to sarah mclachlan. its time for an intervention.
didn't that happen to you last weekend?
shut up.
We got so high yesterday we tried watching soccer
Just watched my manager erase "we've been 2 days wo an accident" and change it to "0" these ppl are too high.
I feel like I spend my weeks apologizing for my weekends.
just passed out while on hold to see if i left my debit card at the bar last night.
I am sitting here. Drinking from a bottle of vodka. Eating shredded cheese from a bag and waiting on him to pick me up after he finishes with his girlfriend. This is what dreams are made of.
Hey please buy toilet paper today. Plastic grocery bags are starting to hurt now
While we were having sex he asked me if I wanted to get wingstop after. I think I found my future husband.
I’m going to try to be less of a cryptic bitch this week. Should be nice.
He told me he was gonna go wash a trailer and somehow I ended up eating vodka fruit with children in a green bean field.
The dick lei will go down in squad history
What's the best way to tell someone that I accidentally wound up in a gay harem?
Maybe it’s too soon to casually tell the boss that I went to Tulsa for some dick last night
Here's the thing. Kinda drunk. Eating leftover soup. In bed. Watching Disney channel.
Randomize
