Im debating on how to word my craigslist post so i dont get arrested...
does she really think making her boyfriend delete me on facebook is going to magically stop us from hooking up?
dude. i just ate tomato soup with a funnel. we're out of spoon-straws.
Almost just got kicked out of a bar because the locals spilled beer everywhere when we taught them to shotgun.
She's popping painkillers like they're tic tacs and singing the soundtrack to dreamgirls. It's you're turn to babysit her.
My mom said she saw you at the bar last night and asked how you were. She said, you replied with, "Oh you know, just knocked up."
Figured I'd get right to the point
She woke me up with an urgent call telling me she was rolling on Mollie and swimming in the ocean. I mean that's just great. If she drowns, I'll feel responsible.
It's raining beautiful colors and I don't know what the fuck is going on
When i left he was drinking an entire pot of coffee out of the pot with a straw. It's safe to say he's using a personal day
That's why we don't trade sex for Taco Bell. It's called the dollar menu.
She got engaged last night. I don't think you should ask her out man.
I ate 1200 calories worth of chocolate covered marshmallows and googled why it is okay to be single forever
No joke. There's a picture of the priest I made out with on my parents' refrigerator.
He was semi blacked out in the hallway with a bucket, calling for me while I had sex with his best friend in the very next room. Why do you let me do these things?
He may not be good for my soul but he’s great for my vagina!
Randomize
