Con: they had to cauterize my wound twice. Pro: The docs agreed I'll be able to get really drunk tonight since I've lost so much blood.
sound pretty economical
Everything smells like syrup. But I guess that's better than last time when everything smelled like beer.
def just vomited mimosa in the gym trashcan. i weigh less already so i say its been a solid workout.
I drove to my yoga class while eating a piece of bacon. Wow. I see myself in a whole new light.
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Just so you know I would totally fuck you. Does that count as a feeling?
In class ... We were just assigned groups for the quarter... Remember that night we took shots from that guys pants? I now know his name
Gonna bang his former student. Clearly I am winning this breakup.
I think they can follow the trail of blood to my house if they have a problem with me taking a dip in their hot tub last night b4 stepping on a broken bottle
And at least you didn't have a dinner of Ranch Pringles and Double Stuff Oreos. I forgot that part of being single.
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He walked into the bar right as I was licking the shotglass clean. We made eye contact for way too long..
And for some reason I just want to have sex with EVERYTHING
I had to run home with my hands covering my tits this morning. How does this keep happening?
I just told the bartender to “give me something that will murder me”
My boss asked me to pass over one of my business cards and instead I had condoms fall out of my wallet, how’s your day going??
So what if is hockey, you don’t turn down sex with a professional athlete. They work out all day and have amazing stamina. Your vagina will thank you!
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