Looks like an M-80 went off in a lb. of pastrami
I wish I could still say I don't know that you taste like bad ice cream.
I found my laptop, credit card, and a bottle of Morgan all on the counter this morning. I'm scared to see what gets delivered to my house this week.
It's like trying to pry an octopus off you. Except the octopus speaks English and can get drunk.
Just found out my mom's voicemail password is 6969..
Stop touching yourself.
Wtf!?!?!?! Did you install a camera???
I can control the tv with my phone while pooping on the second floor. I thought you should know for future reference
A stranger came up to me, pointed at my drink and asked what it tasted like and proceeded to chug half of it and then walked away.
Did I tell you guys I was bisexual last night? I just had a flashback
No he reached for my hand at the beach. I pretended to be a seagull.
Also mom is not happy about me telling her how much i want the women sprinters on the Olympics to beat me up
I just had to explain my bite marks to my allergy doctor when she gave me my shots...You're the best <3
I woke up in my neighbors backyard with glitter on my teeth and sparklers super glued on my bra. which part was your fault?
You looked at the bouncer while you pissed on the front door of the bar and said...who the fuck are you?
You ripped his router out of the wall and screamed "I have defeated the matrix"
Randomize