My roommate got wasted last night and went to the 24 hour Bally's Total Fitness at 3 A.M. He got back took his shirt off, made a protein shake, puked, asked me if he was almost as jacked as Ronnie Coleman then called ME gay before I could say anything and went to bed
totally watching dr. phil and getting eaten out right now. be jealous.
You know its good night when theres makeup smears on the toilet seat
He's currently surrounded by roughly 23 girls he fucked and never called. He may not make it out of here. Bar of doom? Or of redemption?
Is there a special protocol when the stripper has a Boba Fett tattoo?
Can't wait to bequeath this flannel to my grandchildren someday.
'I've been using this to pick up lesbians since before you were born!'
I just stole some rubbers from the girl I stayed with last night so I can use them on a different girl today..
I still have a little drunk in my system
don't worry, i'm not mad. i'm just angry. and furious. and about to set your ass on fire.
On another note I am sitting in my bed naked, buzzed, and working on a notecard for my 8:00am test tomorrow. I think I need to make better choices.
PS: bike ride of shame at 7am includes riding by kids waiting for the school bus #classy
It's really hard to tweet with a pussy in your face demanding attention.
Today is a good day to get high. It's easy to blame the glazed-over look in my eye on my new contacts
The cat just brought me a bottle opener. I think she's my soulmate.
I'd ask how but then you'd tell me.
I got subtly pornographic with a lollipop while we were talking and he got flustered and started to blush. If he’s not interested after that I need to turn in my vagina card.
Randomize
