you told his mom that the only thing he wants for christmas is his dick in your mouth
Even Lady Gaga hates Purdue
So drunk. Washed my hair un pancheros sink cus I was so hot.
Got a blowie from her in the cab on the way home. Made awkward eye contact with the cabbie who said, and I quote "Keep the mess in her mouth bro", I did so only out of respect
I'm sure it's not the worst thing to ever come out of my ass
In other news there is a guy at my office who I'm pretty sure will be wearing someone's skin as a coat one day.
I don't want to flatter myself but after the way he was looking at me today I think it might be me.
the 5 D's of Dodgeball literally just saved my life
If I am telling you about the details of the shits I take I probably don't want to have sex with you. Probably.
Woke up to the frozen soundtrack blasting in the living room best one night stand ever
I am lonely and hungry. I need a girlfriend, but I'd settle for my mom.
I'm drunk eating a quesadilla while this kid is tryina come over and I'm just like no. I want the quesadilla.
I fucked her ex bc she fucked mine but now we're cool and I'm watching her dog this weekend
My desperation for dick was off put by his anime figure collection.
Sooo i'm debating posing nude for the drawing and painting classes, I just wanna see if they draw my nip ring.
You claimed that someone else had vomited underneath you/on your hand
you were very insulted that we didn’t believe you that someone else vommed
Randomize
