in the event that i am dead, my body is laying in the intersection of ... the pearl in springfield. it was my friend's 21st but i think i'm dead. wearing a black top. like i said, probably dead.
Friends are holding an intervention and have no idea this gatorade is half vodka. This is gonna be the best intervention ever.
hell no. last time, i couldn't pee straight for a week.
Sun* burn. But that sounds like wait.. Midsentence thought... It would be like swimming in a giant bowl of cereal.. Only I would be cereal. This is brilliant.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I may or may not have just sent the bartender a pic of me in my slutty cheerleader costume with the caption "rah rah ree, gimme yo d"
That's the first time I've ever heard something that tickled both my gag reflex and my penis simultaneously.
Do you know why I have a burn shaped like a tiny spork?
I think he's speaking German to me now
Nevermind, he's just drunk and not texting properly
Sex on the scooter in the parking lot wasn't the smartest idea. Actual quote from the cop as he handed me the ticket and fist bumped me.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
He's all enlightened and liberal. My next beefcake will be much more Neanderthal.
He's nice to look at and knows the difference between your and you're. I win.
Although can we find me a starter dick? I don't want security showing up again. That was awkward.
Your vagina is not a steamboat from the 1800's
In the last 3 weeks my drunken adventures have caused me to lose 2 credit cards, one debit card, a bracelet, two purses, and my $500 phone... Maybe i should quit drinking.
I like how I can go from sucking dick in the my basement to singing along to veggie tales with my family in a span of 10 minutes.
Randomize