i went to toss her salad and she had a toilet paper clinger on one of the hairs
sometimes i wish i was the girl in a porno. that way if i couldn't get any, i'd just order a pizza and do him.
I glued a penny on the door Tricia believes its Patrick Swayze haunting our apartment. Fuckin potheads.
Another one? Damn, how many David's is that?
six.
Oh, I thought it was higher.
No, that would be the Matt's
I just threw up in a patch of wild flowers on the side of the road. I never knew rock bottom was so beautiful.
He kept saying that the puke outside the theater wasn't his and it was all a set up to keep him from partying with the whores. Then he passed out on the sidewalk.
He just showed up to brunch with one shoe and only the battery from his phone.
Someone spilled vodka all over the elevator floor. Bring straws.
WHY IS MY CAR MISSING A DOOR YOU BITCH
budget cuts
YOU CANT BLAME EVERYTHING YOU DO WHILE DRUNK ON BUDGET CUTS
budget cuts are serious business
He is peeing inside and sticking up for himself. Those are two of the four signs of the apocalypse.
Doing 9 month old dishes in my bath tub. These dishes literally had enough time to gestate a human child
I just threw up vodka and hot dogs in a handicapped stall with someone in it who couldn't make me leave because he couldn't walk.
My girlfriend is talking to my ex-boyfriend at the bar right now. I REPEAT, GIRLFRIEND IS TALKING TO EX BOYFRIEND RIGHT NOW. GET ME THE FUCK OUT OF THIS PLAACE
I'm going to invent an ap that tests your stress levels before texting and will say something like "nope, go rub one out and try again in 10 min"
it wasnt weird until his dog watched upclose as i put a tampon in
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