I'm gonna cuddle the shit out of you tomorrow
VAGINAS EVERYWHERE
they're staring at me
I wish my mouth had a period so that could be my excuse on those days I don't feel like giving head
I Just paid off the bartender to help me convince this chic my roommate's gay. This is the best cockblock ever.
and then some norwegians asked us to be in their porno.
There was a guy on the elevator dressed as santa in flip-flops giving away beer.
Bring single women, or taken women who are unhappy with their relationships, or women who are happy with their relationships but have low moral standards, or women who just like to remove clothing when drunk (relationship status is unimportant for this option)
Jared is "trying to bite a strangers hat off" drunk. Oh, and that stranger is a girl at a table of 5 guys, one girl.
That commercial was clearly aspirational. I think Arbor Mist would pair nicely with Oscar Meyer
I got punched in the face by a Cowboy last night. Then he bought me a beer cause o convinced security not to kick him out the bar. Start of a fairytale love story? I think so.
Margaritas just taste better when they're bigger than your head
Just please try not to piss Danny off, I really can't afford to find a new drug dealer again
I was supposed to go on a date tonight but I cancelled because I found out the Lizzie McGuire movie is on Netflix.
Dashing through the vodka, in a tinder swiping rage, all the fuck boys get a no, laughing all the way.
All of a sudden he got that look on his face and ran to the dance floor and started fist pumping to Rihanna that kind of night
Randomize
