I realized as I was wesiging my engamemby ring that you'd never love me tha same. I have life plans and Sam showed them to me
What? You're not speaking real words.
Pretty sure she's used to bigger guys. She kept slipping off while on top. like, constantly
The woman at walgreens tried to sell me clearance condoms with my fake eyelashes. Does it look like I get laid?
Smoking bowl and applying to community college. I now know how I got here.
Confession: Sometimes I wear my stolen scrubs to the corner store because people will think I'm a doctor and not just a girl too lazy to change out of her pajamas.
There's a time and a place for everything. Except for getting wasted at a work event, puking in the parking lot, and sleeping in your car overnight.
Put down the bong. Turn off Hey Arnold. Stop calling me football head.
I love you football head
Please tell me you werent the one who replaced every beer bottle in my fridge with a picture of a baby kitten.
... and if i was..
Fuck. You.
if i ever wake up in the morning and don't feel a boner in my asscrack then this relationship is over
it'll be okay! And just think of this ultrasound as the most action you've had in a month...
Well, I told him that it's not all about him. Then I gave him the best blow-job in the history of blow-jobs.
how do you feel about japanese?
I would eat half a street meat hotdog I found on the sidewalk, I'm good with anything.
I'm drunk listening and crying to Selena. How's your Monday?
Buying a new pipe this morning, and setting up career plans this afternoon. It's called balance
Who told you he won a fight? He slammed his face into the ground while trying to do 11 push-ups
Randomize
