I'm in a strip club that reminds me of a crack house from the 80's.
She wants her shit back. Clearly she missed the cheaters-get-their-shit-ritually-burned clause.
i just hate vaginas for liking penis's insside them
I think I should have my paycheck direct deposited to the bar
I have come to the conclusion that if you don't fulfill your life ambitions you should go into porn
While in Europe, he bought me a pouring tap to put on my liquor so I don't spill. This means 2 things.1) He really loves me. 2) I'm a noticeable alcoholic.
I don't think child baring hips is a compliment.
Uhh, there's a legit bruise on my boob.. Again how does he manage this
I just gave an orange Froot Loop the finger for falling on the floor instead of my mouth when I was pouring a mini box of cereal into my face.
Went kayaking. drunk. DID NOT FALL IN. Mission succesful.
We're going as conductors of the hot mess train and nobody rides for free
Our tip jar will say "just put the tip in, see how it feels"
I need to stop getting picked up at 3 am by my friends parents. This is the second time this week. I'm a grown man.
i snuck out to taco bell in my hospital gown earlier
I should probably add her on Facebook for as much as I cheat off her in Physics, huh?
I’ve developed a strange interest in ear wax removal vids on YouTube. Dear god, I need to get a job
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