Why can't we have signs that automatically flash on our foreheads that say not interested when gross ugly guys come around, like those glasses that get dark when the sun comes out?
Can you put "designated driver" on a resume?
When your really high you cant order into a clowns mouth
Shit sorry. Maybe I wont give you this sweet ass fanny pack I found in my parents attic
I just got home. Seriously all I remember is taking out my contacts and putting your balls in my mouth.
We're not in high school anymore. I'm not going to pretend to be impressed as he butchers my favorite songs on his guitar. I just wanted to get laid.
Deciding whether to take my sex toys home for Christmas will be the biggest decision I make this holiday season
She throws back shots like they are NO-THING. I swear, she goes through like five straight tequila shots, does a jello shot, chases with half a hot dog, has a rum and coke, and then takes her shirt off and makes an impromptu bandage out of it for fuckin' Tim who cut himself on the flagpole. I'm going to marry her.
So I may have to sleep with a cougar to get a slightly used, yet free microwave. I'm going in
I'm trying to be sexual and you're sending me smashmouth lyrics
Damn you. I'm in a bar with Southern Jesus Fearing Blah Blah Rednecks WHO ARE PROBABLY VOTING FOR TRUMP and you go radio silent.
I called 911 when they kicked me out of the bar last night.
ALL I WANT FOR CHRISTMAS IS FOR YOU TO SHUT THE FUCK UP FOR ONCE
I love that they love me even though I might not exsist, its kinda like Im God.
Here's a rundown of my night alone. Danced my ass off in the kitchen to FleetmacWood. Drank a little bit. Ordered $40 worth of Chinese food once the drinks kicked in. Picked up said Chinese in dirty sweatpants and slippers. #livinglife
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