do you have any idea why i woke up naked spooning my toaster?
The problem is he wears abercrombie jeans like there's nothing wrong with it
I gambled and lost. Had to pull into a funeral home to clean up with a copy of my resume.
Drunkenly found an error on my bar tab last night. THANK YOU ACCOUNTING.
I see you felt the need to carve your name in my kitchen table. thanks
Dont forget about the tuna sandwich behind your TV
Come over and play the Jeter 3000 drinking game. You drink if the commentators say "captain" or "3000". I'll drink if they say "overrated" or "past his prime".
You had me at "mimosas" several texts ago.
So hungover. Walked into room and poached their catering before realized in wrong place. Scowled and ate it anyway
I just had a horrible epiphany. I have fucked girls younger than Star Tours
This text was so worth waking up to
I rather not break my neck. It's hard to look sexy with a neck cast.
Why are friend nudes not more of a thing? My tits look awesome right now.
In other news, I tore a tendon in my hand from giving my boyfriend handjobs so that's how my day is going
i woke up this morning from the best one night stand. i made the guy mickey mouse pancakes for breakfast and when i walked back into the bedroom he said "marry me"
He had a tattoo of a crown above his penis. He was AMAZING! It was well deserved. LONG LIVE THE KING!
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