Def slept AT the bar last night, wow that's a first!
That's the secret to virgins: blizzards.
I am now the proud owner of a 10-12 year old's Optimus Prime costume from Walmart. Tomorrow is going to be a good day.
I just peed next to my dog in the yard. Unparalleled forms of bonding going on over here.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
It was weird. Like "Mom, Dad, here's a guy who knows my orgasm face".
You climbed into the Suite next to us at the game so you could steal the half eaten hot dog someone had left on the table. That high.
Dear America, sometimes I miss your Everclear and its consequences.
I feel like that's something that he should've asked me over dinner..... instead of with his hand down my pants? maybe not
I think the exact words were 'I'd lett him to the weirdest shit to me'
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
He stopped his car in the middle of ongoing traffic to ask me to marry him. Then he got pulled over. Yeah I'd say the slutty Dallas Cowboys costume was a success.
Your hotness may or may not have landed him in jail.
All of my friends are hooking up and here I am, the lone asexual, looking for someone to eat these tostitos with me.
I think all the guys I've fucked in my life would get along perfectly. They'd probably form an orchestra and travel the fucking world. That gives me the slightest feeling of consistency in life which is great.
HIDE THE INFLATABLE PENIS
My younger brother asked me "to stop fucking his girlfriends older sisters"
You went after him with a sword while screaming “FAJITAS!”. And Todd was dressed as a Goth for some reason
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