my penis was classy and tasteful, i don't know what her problem was.
FYI, if you pee in my bed (or even let R___ and E___ sleep in it), I will fart loudly during your wedding vows. Trust.
I go to guys houses late at night, have a little fun, come back by dawn having made their life a little bit better. I am the official blow job fairy.
You make shower sex sound like waterboarding
I kept feeling my boobs..just to make sure they were still there.
So apparently after he gets hammered, falls down a set of stairs and gets a concussion, he can still come home and find a way to play his guitar solo bullshit as loud as possible while i seduce my date...
my resolution for 2011 is to fuck him whenever he wants it. this year I'm going above and beyond the call of booty.
I'm hoping that banging a 24 year old 3 times cancels out banging that freshman on Wednesday
I never thought the first time a taser would be used on me would be at an applebees
I am so excited I do not know how I will sleep.
It's like the Christmas morning of dicks
A part of me realizes this is a bad time to text. But I override it with my awesomeness
Someone wrote "gnarballz" on my fridge in black marker. I'm pissed, but more concerned I slept with the one who did it
Have you ever got so drunk that you tasted the future?
Do you think Root Touch Up or Just for Men would work better on pubes?
Bruh. You offered the cashier tater tots that you had stuffed in your pocket.
Yeah, and? She might've been hungry.
Randomize
