Seriously. Destroy her vagina. Do it like an angry baboon mating with a gentle manatee.
I'm praying to Jesus, Allah, Buddah,and the whole gang tonight that I'm not pregnant
hot ketchup is not a substitute for marinara
we were canoeing in the lake and i asked if he was too drunk for this, and he said "don't worry about it, i'm half native american"
I just want to let you know it was a unanimous decision that we would eat you first if we ever turned into cannibals, we figured with all the bacon you eat you may taste like it. It's a chance we are willing to take with your life...don't forget that we love you
Because you know it would be fucking amazing to get trashed and shatter the dreams of 12 year old girls. I might get a shirt.
Just did a slip and slide down a five story staircase in my dorm. Being an engineer is fucking awesome
Also, thank you for letting me cry in your lap on the bathroom floor. I can't remember if I was clothed at that point, but if I wasn't, extra thank you.
Just FYI, by the transitive property my breasts have now touched the Stanley Cup.
I want to wait until after I get laid before I ask him his political affiliation. Just in case. I'm so desperate I would bang a Republican
While he was at a job interview yesterday, I was dropping acid. So that's the aesthetic of our relationship rn.
soo... how was my night?
God I need to hump something, right now.
Only true party girls take their birth control with Smirnoff.
ya well i woke up to my roommate spraying me with windex...
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