Heard it's your birthday. I can't send pictures, but go ahead and imagine my balls.
It's like God shit irony all over that family
my affection for youporn is starting to get disturbing... i just thought about sending them a christmas card
keep an eye on me. i'm afraid that after a few more drinks i'll ask to borrow his wheelchair.
After much deliberation I've decided to name my penis "Arthur", hope your mom's surgery goes well.
Remind me in the future that chugging dog codeine is not the best idea.
Fuck you come back. The old guy next to me is complementing me on my great choice of ring fingers,
I feel as though sleeping all day due to the effects of prescription painkillers paid for by union insurance made this the most American day ever for me
I just told him I want him to "take the reins". At least its festive sexting?
You wanna get laid? Be a female for once and stop bending nails to impress guys.
I really shouldn't have to tell you to stop banging your lightsaber on everything while we are in college.
Surprise court date day!!! Wake the fuck up!
I found a briefcase foll of fireworks in my old bedroom...that's an appropriate thing to bring to a wedding, right?
Look man if you're looking for a voice of reason, you're talking to the wrong woman.
Something like; Dear Cupid, when are you going to send me someone to date that isn't a complete psychopath
You told your boyfriend he needed to fuck you in the tree because it would make you guys one with nature.
Did he?
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