Just saw a girl trying to crack an egg with her butt cheeks. I think I know what we're doing thursday night.
I woke up with a solved rubics cube in my purse
I pulled my tongue muscle last night. your welcome.
I hope so. I just start to question my lifestyle when i pee on coffee tables
Its 6:30 and I'm shotguning a busch ice while taking a shit. Outlook for work today: interesting
I opened up my wallet and it was filled with puke.
How many tongue depressors should I need to steal from urgent care to make samurai armor?
I fucking love my neighbors. I offered him chocolate and somehow it turned into a sexual proposition.
Is eating fries while lying on the floor bad for you?
If I choke and die at least I will have been doing something I love
Her craziness is the sexiest thing about her.
I can't wait to read your obituary.
it's gotten to the point where I just look in my closet, think, "which article of clothing behaves most like a towel?" and then just go with that
You slept on a pillow of digiorno
Ugh. He got her for secret santa. Idk what to get. Idk what she's into.
... other people's boyfriends.
He fingerfucked me in the hot tub and then we had sex in the wine cellar. See thats why I like partying with rich people
We were trying to organize all the customers to hold a window pickle race. as of 10:37 pm last night we are no longer allowed in our McDonalds.
Randomize
