I always feel awkward when im sitting at home watching the price is right and the fat contestant get the gym equipment.
Kinda wish I banged him. I need the exercise.
The last thing i remember was high fiving everyone on the planet.
I woke up covered in blue paint and my knee bleeding, when I went to return the shopping cart the guy in the elevator laughed hysterically. I'm having a good morning.
There is a pink thong attached to a bottle of svedka hanging from my ceiling fan..is this yours?
#1 lesson to be learned from mardi gras this year: lock your car doors or some grimy dude like me might just bang in it and use your backseat as a kleenex
How do I know I'm high? Let me count the ways.
1. I put the milk in the cupboard, 2. Everything tastes fucking amazing, 3. My dog is really soft, 4. The lunesta butterfly flew out of my tv and touched me
They made out. Sounded like hippos drinking water
But I do know they give away thousands and thousands in booze
My liver has a boner
I woke up in a tutu and topless. How was your night?
Well I've consulted some psychics but they keep saying all they hear in my head is screaming and all they see in my future is pool noodles and cheese dip?
Okay, the good news, found Jared, all IDs accounted for, Jack is meeting us at yours with your requested the delivery. The bad news: Lost Alice, banned from Stages, possibly fucked my TA in the bathroom.
For 15 minutes straight, he literally did every accent there was, from Russian to Bostonian. The issue: no one could determine whether he was sober, wasted, or anywhere in between
just ran into my father at CVS while buying condoms...he winked at me. I really need to move out of this town.
He was like "why do you look so cute today?" and I said "I showered" and he laughed. I wasn't making a joke
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