somebody snuck up and got me drunk
They want to listen to Lady Gaga while they puke.
i'm ready for this baby to gtfo so i can get coked out.
literally the only thing you kept saying was "i wish i had a beer keg vending machine that accepted hugs as payment" and everytime you said it you rubbed the urn her grandmother's remains were in
i pretended i was deaf and got a girl to come home with me
judging by her collection of mens sweaters, shes fucked the entire lands end catalog.
Every time I walk onto campus my Saint Patrick's day scar starts to throb. I'm like a drunken accident prone Harry Potter
I would come over if there was not the impending fear of me shitting out my brains.
You called me your momma bear, and then demanded more vodka
I'll be home soonish I need 4th of July sex, it's the American thing to do.
did u drive by my house last night?
bc if that wasn't you i threw my bourbon bottle at the wrong van
What do you bring to an "I'm getting divorced party?"
.......Shattered dreams and tequila?
I was just told I’m pretty enough to be a catfish. This made me so happy...
Who told you he won a fight? He slammed his face into the ground while trying to do 11 push-ups
She keeps comparing me to her favorite dildo and I don’t know if I’m flattered or creeped out
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