before smithy murders me i need you to know 3 things. 1) i got with smithy's little sister last night. 2) i will always love you like my own brother. 3) smithy's little sis digs anal.
making cat noises will not fix the situation.
I'm going to start giving girls scratch off lottery tickets when they leave my place in the am. That way they have a chance of not regretting the night before
The nurse gave me a funny look when I said I thought I have an std in my throat. Bet she only does it missionary too
I have discovered my latent superpower. If a friend is dating a bi chick they will inevitably try and talk me into a threesome.
I found a blow up pig at an adult store. He will have to fuck that on video if he wants anal. Also, I bought a pair of clear high heels. Tell your brother I love him.
You're 31, how do you still outdrink all these college kids?
Practice, Irish genes, and a lack of desire to live past 40. But mostly practice.
This is my college life. Rolling at 4PM on a Wednesday to skrillex in the parking lot of a mexican restaurant.
At some point, I’d like to pretend that his penis is a popsicle.
It tasted better than Jesus's hair.
i ate pretzels. i might be the first human to be hospitalized from pretzels. that's how bad this is.
I just woke up, its 6AM and i'm pretty sure the guy passed out next to me is 70% ugly...
So apparently my bro is going to make me fix his tattoo this trip... He sent me a pic of said tattoo. Tattoo is of a sperm, on his penis, which was in a woman's mouth... Wth
I hate when he takes the condom off to cum all over me. It defeats the purpose.
It’s like having a barf bag and choosing to puke in your own lap.
Put down the Captain Crunch and get over here. It’s a dickfest!!
Randomize
