you miss my big massive throbbing cock dont you?
Woah.
that's not how you spell hell yes.
dude i just figured out that the tostitos sign is two people eating chips and salsa. being high totally pays off sometimes
I've created a drink called, "watching the sound of music with grandma." its straight vodka
they came at us with fireworks while we were skinny dipping in her jacuzzi at 4 am...
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he tried to breastfeed my turtle
and then you looked me right in the eyes and said "i just really wanna pet some horses right now"
My parents are takin me for chinese food for my 4/20 present.
I fucking hate you.
I just woke up from quarter beer tuesdays wearing 3 pairs of underwear, none of which are the ones I left wearing...2 Around my waist and one around my shoulder in an attempt at a bra. At least drunk me tries to be decent?
All I really remember is shouting "THANKS FOR LETTING ME MAKE OUT WITH YOUR GIRLFRIEND."
What can I say? You have this amazing power over straight girls.
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Then when he got home he face timed me and showed me his balls
First poop in my apartment for the summer, officially settled in. :)
I have drunkenly angered a family of raccoons. Please send help immediately.
Is that strawberry winking at me??
I tried saying sorry but instead I puked down her shirt and tried to clean it up... Now I have a bruise on my forehead. good news, before she left she wrote her number on my stomach with sharpie
Well, we went shopping. He bought me starbucks and ate me out in the change room at target. If that isnt the best post covid first date, I don't know what is
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