I fucked a guy named chris tucker last night
i know we just met, but i forget your name, and i'm wondering why my penis burns?
Was it cool?
About as cool as only getting a handjob on your honeymoon.
"Worlds Wildest Videos" should be called "Crazy White People"
that's the ideal party shoe. cute, but i can still puke in them.
She washed lettuce and peppers in the shower and proceeded to make a salad
It was like good, clean fun, but with bodyshots.
Im so excited to get permanently banned for life from all the old bars again, it is gonna be christmas after all
Piecing together the sordid story from witness accounts and photographic evidence, courtesy of Fcebook. My night included Mojitos, lighting the bar on fire and declaring myself the Queen of Nerds when I stole someone's flashing tiara. Woke up this morning with a velvet cape and plastic scepter to match. Mojitos are awesome!
Well, I watched a girl proposition a shit ton of people, try to take a cocktail waitresses job and then proceed to walk into a wall. Damn, I'm a little jealous.
The bachelor party was supposed to stay local but I think were in mexico.
I'm 99% sure I just flashed my dad with my vagina. So that's the new low now.
I just traded a couple nudes for pizza delivery. Call me lazy, easy, or an entrepreneur, but either way I'll have dominoes in 15 minutes.
Google Maps needs to have a hungover setting. That bitch talks too loud and all I want is breakfast tacos & a bloody fucking mary.
The streets are paved with hand jobs
Randomize
