You're my little dorito
So you're telling me it's impossible to have a "slight case" of chlamydia?
so just incase I die tonight I'm making a list of people that I don't want to be let in to my funeral
woke up in my one night stand's bed and barfed all over her floor. she came back from the bathroom, looked at the vomit, looked at me and said "normally i'd tell you to clean it and get the fuck out, but i remember the sex was good, so i'll let it go." Score.
You kept excitedly announcing to the bar what time it was. Followed by an equally excited "Clock language still makes sense!"
Yeah. she rolled up to the party on a unicycle then peed in the bushes. TA of the year.
I told the hostess, two bouncers and a manager i was roofied and made them smell my beer. Turns out I just picked up some stupid bitches CHERRY WHEAT beer by mistake. I insisted they replace my lost beer.
To my ex and my favorite mistake: I totally enjoyed hearing you have erectile disfunction via baby monitor!
I walked into a McDonalds at 8:30 am with a half-eaten apple and a solo cup. Never felt so judged.
It's gameday bitch. Man up.
Also he didn't buy condoms after we ran out last week. Luckily I had one, but I told him he should be more optimistic about getting laid
NO MAKING MOLDS OF ANYONES GENITALS
Fine. Suck all the fun out of life.
Every time I started to really hate the guys on tinder, the universe throws me a muscly beardy bone.
Yeah we've been texting but I don't know how to just randomly throw in sooo the real reason this is happening is because i hear you're a drug dealer
she said that no one there was hot enough for her so she then proceeded to give the passed out person a lap dance because he was "her type."
I’m going to lick a fucking door knob when this shit is all over
Probably Waffle House
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