Omg. If Ina Garten Makes roast chicken one more time im going to strangle her with her white button down
Your vagain smells worse when im sober.
sorry, worng number
so sad. i just ate the last good 'n' plenty out of the bottom of my purse.
she won't take no for an answer... no matter what language i said it in
I'm sorry I kept calling last night when you wouldn't pick up. I'm REALLY sorry I sang "You Oughta Know" on more than 4 voice mails.
Well its kinda hard to gift wrap an orgasm
Dick in a box?
I'm laying in bed with a case of beer,.. That's how this break up is going..
We were pulling the glow sticks off of him and he just kept yelling, "my bones! You're taking my bones!" and asking me if I was on the crew team
I had another sex dream about you but it was very dissatisfying. As you finished you starting singing the star spangled banner. then you left. I was not amused.
i just came to a realization. Besides probably food, in my lifetime i think i have spent more money on legal fees than anything else
the 5 D's of Dodgeball literally just saved my life
It was super embarrassing when I had to tell my brother, in front of my mother, that my wifi password was Drinkupbitches. Thanks for providing that lovely family moment.
the bright side of moving is at least my Tinder options will refresh
Are you missing a tooth after last night? Because I found one in my coat pocket...along with what smells like dried jäger and a package of deer jerky.
Uh not that I recall.
Oh wait nvm. It's mine. Yeup, definitely my tooth.
Well I had to have sex with him so he would buy me plan b. The fact that I had sex with someone else last night who couldn't afford it is irrelevant.
Randomize
