I'm surprised I didn't puke tonight
do u think i could put an abortion on my debit card?
Brogan sounds similar to Bridget...sorta.
Every girl's name is automatically translated to "Baby/Milk Carrier" in my brai
he looks like a really good dad on facebook
you made wolf sounds and yelled "team me" the entire movie
i made two phi delts show me their dicks in less than 30 words! Take that twitter!
a girl just walked by me crying on the phone saying, "all I ever do is menstruate"
Is there a card that says "Sorry I got drunk at your Christmas party and tried to steal your monogrammed hand towels so that I could give you something nice for Christmas"?
It was kind of like a train wreck, except alcohol would have improved the situation greatly.
He makes me wish my vagina was bigger... This must be what love feels like.
Didn't want you to think it had been open season on my vagina since we broke up.
That awkward moment when your boyfriend tries to have sex with his go pro on #hdporn
THIS IS EXACTLY WHY YOU SHOULDA FUCKED BEFORE YOU MADE HIM YOUR BOYFRIEND, CURVED DICKS ARE NOT OK
I learned three things this morning. Don't get out of my car without my keys, don't let a girl paint my nail unless I'm getting laid by said girl, and lastly I learned how to break into my own car.
To be honest, I'm more surprised when you're not high at this point
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