im going to pretend im pregnant so i can eat a lot then i will accidentally fall down the stairs
I fucked her on my hockey bag. it doesnt get any more Canadian than that.
I watched her choke out a bouncer with the broken strap from her purse, I think shes the one.
Yeah, half my ass was burnt and I was missing a shoe. I'm blaming you for the shoe.
not saying it was a bad idea to throw an impromptu party but someone stole the microwave
Sunshine is the equivalent of sprinkling whore pellets on campus.
He's afraid of heights. How do I know, you ask? Blowjob on his roof.
He is crying over the toilet and his friends just came in and tried to make him take another jello shot.
She kept telling people I wrecked her brain. That high.
Just for future reference, me asking if you're free, followed by a winking face is not my way of suggesting a tandem bike ride.
First of all you can never say anal too much. Second I now think you're a total gentleman.
Rarely has that paragraph ever been put together
Btw I don't have words to express my appreciation at how many times you've had to be on a dirty bar bathroom floor for me in the past two weeks
I haven't heard from him yet. He's either still asleep (which is entirely plausible..... There wasn't much sleeping happening last night) or he's robbing me blind. But I have renters insurance, so either way, I'm ok with it.
You would be successful and sober without me. you can't turn your bakon me now
I gotta do like a month's worth of catch-up personal hygiene today in prep for Christmas so extended family doesn't ask if I'm depressed.
Randomize
