I just saw a guy give a mop to his fat wife and say "Look, an exercise stick!"
just told my mom that i'm having a bad day and she responded with "maybe you should pour yourself a nice drink". good to know that my parents support my future of alcoholism
So, do you know where my left shoe is? I mean, we were at a few places last night, and I called them. No luck for me.
I made him sleep with a condom on and i passed out on the carpet with only a bra on.
I have to be home in time to watch my friend on that Lifetime show about having babies. And by friend, I mean the girl I had a lesbian experience with at a party 3 years ago.
You ad-libbed two DETAILED rounds of price is right, 1 wheel of fortune, and 1 deal or no deal.... by yourself with sound effects and music included
You look cute and you are awesome. And that means something coming from a judgmental bitch
I been sleeping but occasionally wake up feeling like tiny elves are in my throat ripping my esophagus to shreds with their bare hands.
Somehow, you made that sound extremely magical and not at all painful.
The bald eagles cry cause u drink canadian beer.
She who has the vag holds all the power. He will learn one way or the other.
I'm eating ramen over the toilet. Fuck my life
You're the reason I lose Never Have I Ever
Oh you know just explaining sexual consent to a drunk 80 year old man. How is this my life?
He literally asked permission to hit on me
that blonde bartender and I racked up an impressive mini bar bill last night
Mini bar? Did you get a hotel room?
Yeah, the last thing I need right now is a chick with an insane clown posse tattoo knowing where I live
That’s legit
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