She thinks she is all that and a bag of skittles but I'm definitely not tasting the rainbow...
What are you doing tonight?
Watching dora the explorer and pining for a sex life.
i really wish my pants would only unzip when im sober
Just registered some guy for opium withdrawals. WTF opium withdrawals, who does opium anymore.
she peed. on the sidewalk. it is 2 pm. Help.
Lying on this bed is like lying on love and marshmallows and joy
You know you're an adult when you break 100 to get 75 cents, to buy a condom from a bar vending machine in South Boston.
You attract beautiful men with jobs. I attract ONE WITH A SOUL PATCH.
it was a sexy soul patch.
We're going to brunch on Super Bowl Sunday. I am not a smart man.
Last night I somehow got INCREDIBLY wasted & thought it was a good idea to make a group chat with all the guys I'm hooking up with and just say "bye." soo I'm hiding out till next week.
Just so you know.. If you ever cheat on me, i will cut your dick and fingers off and post them as my cover photo on Facebook. Love you.
I think I might start referring to your vagina as a separate being now
Woo is fucking right, dude. Vodka night tonight. Honestly, every night pretty much seeems like vodka night lately. My liver wants to move out of my body like I gave it an eviction notice.
my hair smells like a mixture of fireworks and rotten eggs with a hint of shame. it's so strong it's keeping me awake.
He fucks strippers and doesn’t have a life plan. Of course I’m going to regret this
Randomize
