I'm stoned in an empty parking lot listening to dave matthews while looking for a lighter.... I feel like I sent this 7 years ago.
I drew a venn diagram at the top of my final comparing stuff i know and stuff on the test.
we need a dd. For wednesday. At lunch. What are we doing with our lives?
succeeding
I think one day, after evolution kicks in, my sons will thank me for having a 3rd ball. That's how much sex I'm having.
I never thought I would say the free bottle of grey goose was the problem but it was
We started telling people we were married, and then we hooked up on a park bench
All I wanted was a quiet evening to masturbate and eat cake and instead you ruined it by bringing girls over.
Stripper just cleaned my glasses with her nipple...
Great sex, the promise of us mixing our excellent genetics in the future, and access to drugs are mainly what's holding this relationship together at the moment
I think you might be the first man ever to describe getting a blowjob as "neat"
They were so sore! Either I have bed bugs or you were biting my nipples last night and don't lie to me.
He asked when the last time I had sex was. I had to look at the clock and respond "12 hours ago"
You know something is wrong with your life when your mom is at the bar getting free tequila shots and you aren't
Do you remember coming over and asking for toast and then singing that yeah toast song very loudly while you were dropping my bread all over my kitchen?
I'm going to need you to stop harassing my professor on Twitter when you're drunk.
Randomize
