If I'm having a dream where I'm having sex and I can actually feel it between my legs because I've had a lot of it recently, does that make me a whore?
I have a feeling this is a serious question. Problem solve, Jess.. I'm going to let you figure that one out on your own
Now that I'm the boss, there's nobody to yell at me for smelling like a bar in the morning.
Maury Povich's contact info is in our database at work...i should steal it right?
standing in line at subway, they've got 'stand up and get crunk' blaring. the lines out the door and everyone is dancing. Lombardi Gras rules.
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last time I sleep in the lobby. woke up to some girl asking me what floor I lived on. somebody put me, couch included, on the elevator.
someone left their shoes, a resume, and a pizza in the shower... i am actually speechless
I told them the reason I passed out was because of "heat exhaustion." Not from showing up drunk. Good thing this is Arizona.
One thing noone tells you about getting put in the drunk tank is do it barefoot. You get free flipflops.
You're just mad because I look hotter in my mug shot than you do in yours
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And on the subject of embracing my inner whore, I had two different dicks in my mouth yesterday. Friend, it's official. I'm completely outta control.
In a shocking revelation, I learned that the Easter Sunday shit show happened not because of vodka but because my gay neighbor drugged me.
yeah we're mixing orange juice, vodka, and rum and calling it Oj Simpson On Trial
I had 17 beers 2 days ago. I'm not dad material yet
My boob is missing a layer of skin
Sitting naked in my bed eating leftover Mexican food drinking coors light.. Can it get any more single than this?
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