I think taking a nice shit is a lot more satisfying than an orgasm. This is probably why I'm single.
Apparently you walked through my house with your dress on your head
Her vagina smelled like hockey gear.
Hey, my drug test is at 4:15 tomorrow. I'll meet you 5 minutes later.
Fun Fact: The stage were about to graduate on is where we once drove a van and kidnapped someone.
Fun Fact 2: My parents are sitting by the bushes I peed in this weekend.
And by that I mean I told her the plot of the first batman movie as my life and it took her like 20 minutes to figure it out
I do not want to do anything. The words more tequila need to be erased from my vocabulary
I slept with him that night and I'm not sure if my lack of enthusiasm was obvious but I found him eating ice cream in the bathtub the next morning. Mom will be so proud.
I'm so tired I just poured monster in my coffee.
And it tastes incredible.
And I have chest pains.
I still blew him because I won't let allergies keep me from doing what I want. But I almost suffocated like 10 times.
i now know why i keep getting pictures of poop. apparently someone put my number in a girls bathroom saying i am a poop lover.
you text any of them back? this is probably the most women you'll ever have texting you in your life. don't squander a good thing
The bad thing is that I bled through my bandages last night and keep finding blood around the house. It's almost like a scavenger hunt for solber me. I get to find out where drunk me went.
Is it weird that my mother is taking body shots off my gf after meeting once?
It’s a prereq for med school, so I hope the professor likes blow jobs
It's 3 am. Nothing I've tried can get the taste of failure and vomit out of my mouth.
Randomize
