somehow in between the body shots the bong hits and trying to convince the 7-11 lady to let me fill up my vodka bottle with cherry slurpee. i misplaced my car.
she was carrying the quesadilla around the bar like a security blanket
I just found a tail you can wear naked. Via a butt plug. Who ever said the internet was a good thing?
Well call me tomorrow, it's a great story that may lead to me being fired and/or possibly being buried in a shallow grave somewhere out in wine country.
Now I'm heckling that my belch is more exciting than their fireworks and I peed down the driveway.
Convincing a cop that you have diplomatic immunity is way harder in Dallas than in Serbia. And you get fined for attempted bribery.
Apparently I'm short enough to sit on his lap and fuck him while he is driving because the cop didn't notice.
I didn't know. I guess I really haven't had that much time for drinking lately. I mean, outside drinking at home/work.
I'm going to stop at grocery on the way home. I'm CRAVING wine from a sippy cup. We have neither wine nor sippy cups.
Yeah because the only thing stopping you from fucking Emma Watson is you not being a Gryffindor
You 2012 self promised me that you would do LSD with me, and it's 2015 now. So.
Plus, I'm basically a doctor, so what could go wrong.
how early is too early to start drinking over the gilmore girls revival
You faceplanted on the railroad tracks and when I tried to tell you to get up, you told me you were "taking a quick breather"
We are totally like Jim and Pam, except ya know, drunk and not together anymore.
Baby Shark came on during sex.
She has BABY SHARK on her sex playlist. Who does that?
Randomize
