I am going to give you the keys to my place
Then I'll give you the keys to my heart
Gag me
Dude judst bought snd smokked tfour white widoew jointsd in Asmsterdam. Wstching the Cvhiefs gsme. Oh Boy.
You are why other countries hate Americans. But I say God bless you.
The iPhone is ruining my ability to sex message. My 5-year-old cousin just picked up my phone at my grandmas birthday party and read "I wanna stand you up and fuck you from behind" to my entire extended family bc of popped up on my screen
I am not one to point fingers but since it says your name "wuz here" next to the dick drawn on my stomach I am holding you personally responsible.
What would you say if I got first degree burns on my nipples from drinking coffee topless?
I am sweating out the vodka to make room for the whiskey tonight.
All of a sudden i love everyone. In all their flawed and failing beauty. This is pretty good weed.
I'm chatting with a girl missing a front tooth. I find it quite distracting. I'm sure you have deduced what bar I'm drinking in on this monday night.
This girl ordered Hershey syrup and red wine and he made it for her
Dude for real though, we gotta stop getting hammered and kissing gay guys.
he was making out with her against the stove and started a fire--the thirst literally almost burned the place down!!
The bar tender had his entire hand down your asscrack.
I forgot about that. I was in MULTIPLE dimensions.
I spanked her so hard I woke up Grandma
He asked if I was a pirate because my "arrrrrrrrse" was worth burying. 10/10 for effort, 20/10 for serial killer vibes.
Emergency thong? Check! Suspension bondage is a go!
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