he made me stop in the middle of the blowjob to turn the tv towrds him. i then proceeded when he stopped me again to get him the remote. fuck me.
all the sharp corners in my house are covered with litter foam blocks. al set for partying
He told me he wanted to break up so he could get "closer to God."
Does God suck his dick?
I ishhh haha are u coming nack easyer?
the fact that I know you're asking me if I'm coming home for easter makes me believe I speak fluent vodka.
Best idea ever: Giving hobos a beer and having a chugging contest to win another beer. Most fun I have had downtown in a while.
he was playing drums on rock band as i poured bailey's into his mouth. tell me that's not a bonding moment.
i will replace your cream cheese. there's enough for breakfast. you are my friend. i had guests we wanted bagels so bad im sorry. i left you notes. i love you. you have enough for a bagel or two and i will get you more. you are so pretty.
the repo guy said it was the first time he'd ever started to repo a car with someone fucking inside of it. he might have said 'doing it' instead.
Mandatory 420 Adventure Time.
This is why we're friends.
He leaned over in the middle of the movie and said "My dick's name is Juan". WHO DOES THAT?
Please tell me that is you having sex in my car in my driveway and not a complete stranger.
Hold on. At Sephora trying to decide what despair smells like.
alcohol and riverdancing are a dangerous mix. have a spraind ankle. i die now
It's five in the morning. wtf?
my brother has friends over and I can hear one of them screaming from the basement "BREATHE. FILL YOUR LUNGS. LIVE YOUR LIFE." and it sounds like he's doing some motivational speaking down there but that's actually just how he encourages ppl to take bong hits
Dipping my sugar cookies in a glass of fireball and creme soda. This is holiday spirit
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