So we were in the middle of hooking up when he stopped me. I thought he was having a moral dilemma about the whole having a girlfriend thing. But no. He got down on all fours, butt naked, and started throwing up and farting simultaneously. I took it as my cue to leave.
I'm so proud of us for fucking the same friend group before we met in a completely unrelated instance.
I'm this close to masturbating to his profile pics from 2006
i just unblacked out cuddled in a pita pit booth with ten dollars rubberbanded to my hand.
Fixing to yell "you're too hot for her" at a Gerard butler look alike. There is absolutely no way this is going to end well...
we came up with a wnba drinking game. take a shot every play that you could've done better. won't make it through 1st quartar
Looks like breakfast in bed is out the window. She can't get up because I "fucked her into paralysis." My stomach is not happy with my dick right now
Taking Gomer to the ER. He tore something trying to stretch his nutsack enough to put his balls in his own ass. I need new friends.
I asked if he wanted to sext and he just started sending me pictures of his beard.
Best compliment ever: Being told that you really understand sex by a professional. After she gave you a HANDJOB.
I JUST MADE OUT WITH A BRITISH SOCCER PLAYER. LONG LIVE THE QUEEN. GOD BLESS THAT COUNTRY.
I almost put an adult beverage in my sippy cup for the beach but realized the next step would be rehab.
No the next step is being buzzed at the beach. I would've.
The Wolf of Wall Street “I ain’t fuckin’ leaving!” speech when the cops broke up your party though...
Normally roommates threatening each other with knives would be too much crazy for me, but I don't have much going on right now and I feel like this could get interesting. So I think I'm gonna ride this shit out for a while.
Sitting in a waiting room with 15 children has me contemplating if I ever want to have sex again...
Randomize
