I actually had no interest in him until he started talking about his 4 arrests. That made him go from a 5 1/2 to a 8, easily.
Something about a hand job in a car doesn't scream girlfriend
I'm trying on my bridesmaid dress so that I can determine what will need to be done to achieve getting fucked while wearing it.
We're going to shave my junk and take pictures of it wearing fake mustaches we found at the dollar store. They're uncannily realistic; much better than the cockstaches of my youth.
Yeah I said my new jacket was waterproof, not puke through your nose proof.
we played dirty jenga the drinking edition... some girl really just broke a rib? how do we even go this hard
This is the only time in your life where finding a half eaten lime and pair of florescent pink underwear that wasn't yours means that it was a good night
I'm so high that hamburger just went up my nose. Mustard BURNS
Just shaved my crotch so I could call it the bald eagle. Happy 4th.
I'm drunk. And I'm alone. Eating chicken fingers in my underwear. I'd say life is grand.
found a thong and $20 in my right pocket. it's going to be a good day
I'm thankful I didn't get drunk and shit my pants this year. 🦃
I don't know what she did to me last night, but the scratches on my back indicate that I had sex with a Bengal tiger last night.
He's throwing Skittles into my cleavage and some are rebounding into my crouch.
Well he's scoring either way then.
Thanks for fucking the skin off my dick
It was a joint effort between my vagina my feet and your hand you can't just blame that all on me
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