Please tell me how I woke up out in the middle of nowhere wearing nothing but a hard hat and a man thong?
just saw my sister at the strip club... dont think she's "taking a night class over the summer"
We saw a kid playing in poison ivy. We walked away, he'll learn his lesson.
The 9th floor RA wants to know why we stacked 21 cinder blocks in the shower, and I can't remember. Do you?
Time to do stuff I know I'll have to hide from my grandkids one day and everyone at next weekends wedding.
I dont care what I am for halloween, as long as i'm not a father after
What a dumb baby whore.
I told her I named my penis "The Spirit of Exploration." That's all it took.
I'll pick you up. Avoid slightly awkward no-we're-not-dating-but-I'm-still-screwing-your-son-after-2-years parental run-ins.
eating jello out of the cup. with my face. while on the toilet. i am at my lowest.
She leaned in close to me, made eye contact, and seriously whispered "I will eat your soul with bacon bits." I want whatever drug she was on.
Is it weird that I'm looking up pubic hairstyles?
Updates: Made out with a teletubby last night in the middle of the street #lifegoals
I like to oil my gears with cheap vodka and strangers
But what we lack in money, we make up for in dry humor and drugs
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