I'm dying. Please wear something slutty to my funeral.
I just took went to the bathroom and it smelt like blue curococo... I didn't flush yet so head on up if you wanna know what a good night smells like.
Didn't get laid. But got a free pie from a waitress. A whole pie.
Im blasting "Fat Bottom Girls" as loud as humanely possible in attempts that old ladies doing water aerobics will take the hint and get the fuck out of the pool.
It just goes to show you, your dreams can come true. You can hook up with your dads hot married friend.
only in a texas roadhouse would someone whistle while I was breastfeeding.
She just cut the six pack plastic up and screamed "save the dolphins"..she also threw away cans of tuna. I like this girl.
I'm so sick
I would imagine. You did most of your drinking for brazil last night.
That and I think I got food poisoning from sharing nachos with that homeless guy..
Who knew drunk me could climb a 17 story building for apple juice and sex
Nothing says I've got my life together like vomiting on the groom and passing out at your youngests sisters wedding
I just rolled over in bed and felt a bump. Turns out it was a lil nug. Talk about being princess and the weed.
"Work from home" is code for "morning drinks" right?
Rule #61 of being a lady: never get fingered by a finger with a knuckle tattoo
Btw I have come to the conclusion that we really need to do it in a bed. Like at least once..
My breath smells like dick and biscuits..
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