So called my VP's house on Sunday drunk and told him that if he didn't hire me for the new position I would skull fuck his wife. They asked me to go home today. Thanks again Vodka
connan obrien reminds me of an asparagus spear
it's like god just wants me to be high for five days in a row. keep the blizzards coming.
no dont talk to me..because of you my bar tab was more expensive than my hospital bill
Because the last time i saw or spoke to him he came all over me in a hammock.
I'm back here naked if anyones wondering
she's five days sober.....are those consecutive????
5 days not 5 nights... like a bad hotel/vacation deal
When cunnilingus is one of the first 25 words you say to someone there's a problem
#reasonsyoushouldnthaveatinder
2 six inch heels, 3 big sangrias, no broken legs
There's a potato with a bite taken out of it in the kitchen
I was so high I just stared at the papa john's app on my phone and cried
Unless you count my weekly workout where I drink wine, listen to obscure/cheesy records, and pretend I'm a ballerina...no. I don't exercise.
Just so you know sleeping with you is like skydiving commando in a flightsuit made of kittens
That's the most romantic thing I've ever heard
Profesor just winked at me. This class might be easier than I thought
He gave me an ambien and I woke up with a raw chicken bone in my purse. I have no idea why but I hope I put it in his butt
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