guys are only as good as the porn they watch
When you wake up, I have rum and am in town
The sign in front of ihop says "designated drivers get half off their order"
can you put a coffee maker in the dish washer? yo know what, nvm i want to be surprised
Somehow I managed to make my Dunkin Donuts uniform look slutty. And I'm not even wearing hoops.
Nope, just sitting on the couch, eating an advent calendar, being depressed about the herps.
One minute we were getting noise complainted by the security guards the next I was shotgunning a beer with them
She showed up to the party with a live octopus and a 30 pack that was already half gone
he slipped a picture of a kangaroo under my door that said "im sorry" on the back and passed out on my lawn.. who the fuck is this kid?
This may be hard to believe, but that wasn't the first time I was fingered under a snuggie
It's not
I'm like a savant for remembering names I learned while I was drunk. Seriously, I'm three for three. I'm on a roll.
Come make me food. I feel like if I go in the kitchen I will just get Gin.. and pass out in there.
No, this place just freaks me out. Like I feel like ill get pregnant just being here. And all those pregnant bellies. It's weird.
There's no triumph quite like finally banging your high school boyfriend 6 years later
i left you alone for two hours TWO HOURS & when i got back i had to rush you to the hospital because you were covered in Smooth Away pads & drinking the bong water..
Randomize
