he was so hot that i framed the used condom. it's not trash, it's art.
Aren't I supposed to sit on your face?
For the millionth time in his career, Brett Favre has screwed over the Vikings
We spent three hours cleaning our room this morning. It was spotless and smelling good. I come home from work tonight and she has already smoked weed in it and "accidently" spilled vodka on the floor.
I just found a bagel and a condom in my coat pocket. I love blackouts
Apparently, I woke him up at 4AM, and yelled "you're mad because we don't have sex," while grabbing his dick. Then immediately fell back asleep, dick in hand.
you sat up and said "i'm the worst kind of roommate, the drunk kind"
high enough to want to lick peanut butter off of Michael Buble's vocal chords as he serenades me.
I don't think he knows what shame means anymore. He gave some bar slut his sisters Tiffanys necklace, in exchange for anal.
You crawled through a doggy door 5 times for a shot if cheap vodka.
walk of shame to my ortho appointment. kids are staring. this little girl just asked her mom if she can havr glitter in her hair too.
it took us a while to figure out sex on a tire swing, buuuuuuuut MISSION ACCOMPLISHED
Running across campus through Hurricane Sandy while hammered and in a slutty cowgirl costume obviously should be top priority tonight
I just gave an orange Froot Loop the finger for falling on the floor instead of my mouth when I was pouring a mini box of cereal into my face.
Casually blacked out last night and apparently told him he couldn't come back to bed until he got me Taco Bell.
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