For future reference, a lint roller appears to be the easiest way to get glitter out of a beard.
oh my god, just saw a man throw up in a trashcan and blood came out of his nose. HES GETTING ON MY BUS. HES SITTING ACROSS FROM ME. FUCK.
So what do normal people wear to parties? Normal meaning not you.
You wear an inflatable farm animal to TWO THEMED PARTIES and I never get to hear the end of it...
the chips you spilled whiskey on is not the same thing as Irish breakfast potatoes
Weed is now completely legal in Colorado and Washington. I repeat weed is now legal! I'm putting a deposit down on a house as we speak.
ROADTRIP.
Oh yes there is. Now I'm the sad one. Please organize my life. And I will demoralize yours.
I can not say for certain that I did not blow someone in the bathroom at the bar at some point.
Its alot like that time you got motorboated by the carni at the rodeo.
We call her skankles because she's a skank and she has cankles, I thought that was obvious
An old white couple caught us smoking the foot long. THE LOOK ON THEIR FACES.
My parents are paying for my knee surgery for my birthday. What costume will look good on crutches for my Halloween Birthday?
Welcome to adulthood.
My sweat smells like Wild Turkey. I'm really feeling the holiday spirit.
That moment that random you banged behind the bar is going to be your son's third grade teacher... yup I'm there.
THEY HAVE BEEN GOING AT IT FOR 2 HOURS AND I HEAR THEM BANGING THIS IS BULLSHIT
After I asked for my 6th Gin & Tonic, the look on the flight attendant's face started to make me feel bad about myself.
Randomize
