Hahahaha do you think bella ever gave edward head?
so i slept on a park bench last night...no hobo
im in his phone as 'great ass to tap'
No shame. Just smoked a bowl with a Norwegian. Feels like something to cross off a list.
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And he tried to make it as casual as possible by asking where i was going on vacation while he was poundin me.
Dude. He only had one testicle. It was like his whole package was a Muppet Show character coming at me.
I'm going to knit you a pair of furry handcuffs. And you said that knitting class was dumb.
there are 5 pictures on my phone from last night, 4 are too blurry to recognize and the 5th is you dangling a twizzler over your mouth, naked.
Lesbian sex in an alleyway drunk.
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The underwear in the garbage is clean. Just wipe the pizza sauce off
Almost to work. And still feel hungover. Like my body is trying to regenerate after dying. Full on zombie shit. But like, one of those zombies from warm bodies that comes back to life slowly.
I don't understand why she gets annoyed by my drunk texts. It means she's who I'm thinking about even when my brain isn't functioning properly.
First day back to class and I have already pulled out the hard liquor
Anal on new furniture sounds like a quickest way to violate a warranty
And despite my lack of successful relationships I'm a fucking guru
That's like claiming you're a good coach but going 2-12 last season
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