I want to jerk off but my dog won't leave me alone. It's the most depressing cock block ever.
Took her home last night and it was like trying to put an oyster in a slot machine. I may have drank a little too much.
You might not want to sit on your couch. Actually you may want to throw it away. My bad.
100% of annual heatstroke fatalities are preventable deaths! Don't let it happen to you! Also, you can catch crabs from almost anything! Be safe and have fun.
my self respect just called, its having a good time without me
There was an ice luge. Lets just leave it at that.
i woke up to banging and pieces of ceiling falling on my face
im that hungover where parking at red lights has to be done
This hangover is so bad, we are pregaming Chinese food with pizza.
my grandpa is going down the line on this prom picture, and telling me how big everyone's nipples are... he was spot on for me.
So, this year for my birthday, want to get rip-roaring schmammered and watch my episode of my super sweet 16? We can do lines off my tiara.
Now when you said you'd never sleep with me, did you really mean never on a Monday or never without handcuffs or a blindfold or never on a airplane or never without lots of booze? Cus never is a pretty strong word.
My boss brought her husband's telescope to work, so all of us that work in the MMJ Dispensary got high and had an impromptu Blood Moon viewing party. I love my job.
I forgot that I'm high because of how high I am.
dude i told her that I loved her...and she said, " go fuck yourself"
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