haha omg you stole $185 from a passed out drunk indian on your porch and called the ambulance??
savin' lives aint cheap
i woke up this morning cuddling with a 3 foot statue of Jesus. heaven here i come
My professor just gave everyone in the class extra credit... except for the kid wearing the Cubs hat
Bartending School is so much more enjoyable now that I realized I was in rehab at this time last year.
he came within less than a minute of me blowing him. this was our second night hanging out in a row. for an almost 30 year old italian man, he is NOT living up to his country's reputation
Travelers Top-Tip: Europeans do not appreciate being repeatedly referred to as "gypsy" regardless of how good your Borat impression is.
I need to figure out how to tell my doctor that I don't want to fix my possible fertility problems until AFTER I'm done whoring around in my 20s.
He sent me a picture of myself smashed completely butt naked passed out on the couch and said "at least I'll have these memories"
its before 9am and ive already had to dip my dick and balls in a glass of milk. probably isnt a good sign for how today is going to go.
I just tried to make cleaning gasoline off your shoes with toilet paper in the Chemistry Building bathroom look normal. I failed.
Hey, it's all about finding the bright side. And boobs are definitely a bright side.
Seriously, you just banged the guy that wishes his dog happy birthday on fb. That's fucking adorable!
For 15 minutes straight, he literally did every accent there was, from Russian to Bostonian. The issue: no one could determine whether he was sober, wasted, or anywhere in between
Write this down so you can tell me in the morning. "That bartender needs to be in my mouth."
Quick question: now that you've broken up, should I also delete the nudes your boyfriend sent me while you were together??
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