i celebrated the independence of our country by dry heaving tequila all morning. so classy. happy 4th.
OMG! Someone dumped chocolate soft-serve in the bathroom! Dibs!
not only did i climb through the window at 4 am but here i am 4 hours later for my interview at the mall and i'm staring in the dark pet store barking at puppies
and then you seriously asked him to senior prom..which freaked him out since you told him earlier you were 22
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I bet he'd be real motivational during sex. And he'd probably make you call him superman.
Use "feeling words"
Yay
I just made kick ass drunk stir fry while taking care of three other drunk people and doing shots. I don't understand how that's not wife material
The plane down was full of newly weds and I counted 5 pairs of mile high club members. Actually, one might have been a group membership discount.
We're keeping you on a leash this Saint Patrick's Day
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I just woke up on my neighbors floor with my boots on, but no pants. I have 3 separate taco bell receipts in my pocket.
It's like I'm getting a welcome home parade with sex!
That last one reminds me of the time we smoked that foot-long joint and by the time we'd finished we were so stoned we applauded it.
This weekend I turned down sex to watch the Star Wars marathon... Is this growing up?
my birth father cheated on his wife with my birth mother. it's literally in my blood to be a home wrecker.
Maybe if you would fuck your boss you would get string cheese too
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